Love Will Tear Us Apart

Love is such a subjective term.  Everyone has a different definition, whether it be the traditional soul mate definition, or a more aesthetic, realistic version.  To me, I think there are plenty of people out there who can sustain interest emotionally and physically, and obviously at different levels.  So, I don't buy the whole "one and only" fantasy.   

I will admit that maybe love is really just idolization.  We often find ourselves falling in love with the mental image we create about an individual, and not the actual person.  We set our expectations so high that the individual we are in "love" with could never possibly live up to those expectations.  We are running towards a mirage and chase loves ecstasy.  We operate in cycles, looking for that piece to the puzzle you need to feel complete.   I'm at a loss of words.  

In many ways our hopes and dreams are the very things responsible for weighing us down. 

Why does one write in a blog?

Surely the reason I write in this blog is because its a time for personal reflection.  I let my innermost thoughts come out, even though I would never speak about these things I write about.  Ive always wanted to make a journal, but I could never keep it up.  I also hope to one day become a writer and I figure this is a great start.  

Some people might think these thoughts are pretentious and fake, but they are 100 percent genuine.  I have nobody to impress but myself.  

Thursday, November 13th

Today was a pretty hectic day.  I woke up around 9:30AM and started frantically doing my homework that was due at 11 30.  I left for school at 11 30 and I knew I was going to be late, so i just emailed my teacher the homework and played hookie.  I was able to do my English homework so I actually went to class.  In my public speaking class, I didn't do my homework, and I felt like a dick.  I have till Friday to email it to my teacher, So I really should not be writing in this blog right now, but whatever.

After school Jason picked me up and we were gonna go to the mall, but we stopped at his house for a minute.  We went into his room and we saw that one of his Gerbil's who died the previous night, was eaten pretty gruesomely.  All that remained was the head and the tail.  The circle of life is pretty unforgiving.  You live for a brief period of time then you just die.  It was ironic how the gerbil's own children ate his corpse.  Mother nature feels no remorse, she doesn't care about me, you, or anyone for that matter.  All we can really do is take in the "breezes of indifference" the world presents to us, and accept it.  It isn't depressing to me because it makes life so much more valuable.

Eventually Raf picked us up and we went to the mall.  We were in the apple store for about an hour, it was pretty annoying.  We then proceeded to drop off Jason's applications at Spencer's and Hot Topic.  I'm pretty sure he has a good shot at getting a job at Hot Topic only because some girl (i think she was a manager) was kinda flirty with him.  I was dropped off around 640.  

I went in my room and really did nothing but procrastinate.  I knew I had to do this project but I just sat there listening to Radiohead.  I spoke with Billy and he was coming home.  This meant we would become intoxicated in one way or another.  

Eventually it got too late to do my project so I just decided to eat and take a shower so I could go out.  I spoke to Jason before I showered but after I got out he wouldn't pick up.  My plan was to have him pick up Billy and Mario and come to my house.  So I took matters into my own hands and picked up Billy in my creepy minivan.  Billy and I went up to my room, drank, and reminisced.  I finally spoke to Mario who also wouldn't pick up his phone, and he said he was coming to get us and we could drink at Raf's house.  We took the beer and left, and on the way out my dog Chip randomly attacked Billy.  I had to punch chip in the head to get him off of Billy's arm, and he ended up ripping Billy's shirt.  I felt terrible.  

We then went to Raf's house and started drinking.  Jason showed his nuts to us all throughout the night.  It wasn't the ideal night, but it was still fun overall.  We had a few laughs, and Billy, Mario, and myself enjoyed a few beers.  Mario stole some liquor from Raf, took his vodka and put it into a water bottle.  Raf figured it out pretty quickly and took back the water bottle.  We were able to get it back by having Mario fuck around with Raf's shit, and I took a bottle filled with water, and switched it.  We still have that bottle =]

Towards the end of the night Billy and I thought it would be a good idea to smoke some pot.  We called John Abrusci and we tried to get someone to buy marijuana from.  We eventually got some from George (CP) who was actually really paranoid.  Mario took care of the actual transaction and even gave him a ball tap (I thought it was a firm grabbing of the buttocks).  We went to my house to get the Bubbler (water bowl) and John picked us up.  We went to some area by Billy and smoked over there.  It was a great time, we smoked and listened to some trippy music.  John and Billy actually got along really well, but I expected this, they're both pretty liberal political science majors.  We immediately got the munchies, and had to go to Taco Bell.  I had no money, but I was pretty desperate so I bought food and charged it on my credit card.  That was a terrible idea.

I enjoy being intoxicated sometimes because it gives us a break from our superegos and our inhibitions.  We forget about the norms and laws of society and were finally free to be ourselves, or our ego as Freud would put it.  I suppose you could also say that ignorance is bliss.  Sometimes a break from reality and responsibility can be considered the greatest gift of them all.   I will say that as soon as the substance starts controlling you, then you have a problem.  It's important to remain in control obviously.  

We then smoked another bowl of weed, and dropped Billy off.  John dropped me off around 3 Am and I went home and listened to music.  Music, food, and sex are just so much better when your high.   The feeling is like everything you do is extended for a longer period of time.  All of your senses are prolonged and it just feels really good.  I went to sleep listening to my Ipod.

This sea of Apathy.

I find myself at a crossroad in life.  I can't find the ambitious me anymore.  I was once so motivated a few years ago when my life was stable. 

 The day my stepfather left he took my ambition with him.  He cheated on my mother and even cheated with his absence.  The foundation of my world came crashing down, and things would progressively get worse.  My mother, the strongest woman I've ever known broke down emotionally and descended into a deep depression.  I hated reality, I hated everything.

Slowly but surely I did regain my stability.  My Ex girlfriend Cassie was amazing and was able to rescue me from my apathy.  I cared so much for her and actually had faith for my future.  I don't know why I broke up with her, I suppose it was because I was the only thing holding her back from happiness.  I'm a parasite and nothing more.  I ruined her.  I'm back to being nothing.

I'm lost in this sea of apathy, and I'm taking my last breath of air.  I'm drowning in my own apathy and I can't find myself.

November 9th

So I decided to try out this blogging thing to get my thoughts down.  Today was started like any Sunday before; in a depressing manner.  For some reason I hate Sundays with such a passion, even more so than Mondays.  Sundays strip you of hope because all you have to look forward to are Mondays, another day we all cringe when we think about it.  

Basically I woke up, played Stephen (my brother) in Madden and was beating him 28-7 when he decided to quit in the 3rd quarter.  Then later on I went to the mall with Jason.  We basically just circled around the mall, he applied at Hot Topic and Spencer's, and then we went to the book store.  I looked at Al Gore's "The War On Reason" and found it interesting considering we all saw this war on intellectualism during the past election and in our culture.  

Intellectualism has somehow gained this negative connotation and is "uncool" to people.  We see it through our society's icons (Paris Hilton) and even through our national leader (George Bush).  I am happy to say that maybe our society is moving towards a new dimension where intellectualism is considered an important asset rather than something negative.  Even if it took a national crisis to get him into office, Barack Obama represents the triumph of intellectual reason over fear mongering and scare tactics.  Obama's victory marks the American People's victory over the manipulation of paranoia and fear brought about by Karl Rove's (aka Bush) administration.

After the mall, we went to Wendy's, ate, and then went to my house for a little bit.  I watched the Giants game, and tried to brainstorm with Jason different artists and songs that should be downloaded.  We left and went to Mario's, picked him up, and then went to Mcm's.  Mcm had a test to study for and apparently could not go out tonight, but we decided to just go into his house and corner him.  This of course, was effective.  We then went to Taco Bell and reminisced about the past.  We spoke about certain creepy individuals and comical times in high school.  We spoke about Enzo, and his anal obsession with Nicole Pavich.  It was a good time, and it made me really miss the past.  Everything was so much simpler back then, and even though it sounds trite, the responsibilities we have now are so stressful.  Between wrestling, school, homework, and sleeping, Its been so much on my plate.  I feel like I'm drowning, and the water level keeps rising and rising.  I'm trying to swim to the surface and catch my breathe but its to no avail.  

Even though I had a lot of homework to do, Taco Bell with the boys was a nice distraction to the  responsibilities that awaits me.  Alright so I'm heading to bed, I'll post sooner this week.